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JOKES
Feb 15, 2008 7:35:11 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 15, 2008 7:35:11 GMT -4
You know you're from Massachusetts if...
The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
The fact that Route 128 and I-95 are pretty much the same thing doesn't confuse you.
When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water.
You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and Cotuit.
You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer.
You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and that they're both crooks.
You know what they sell at a packie.
You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Patriots would move to Hartford.
You laugh at all the other states in New England.
You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
You can actually find your way around Boston.
You have gone to at least one party at UMass.
The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools.
You refer to the New York Yankees as the Devil's spawn, or something worse.
Colleges are used as landmarks for directions, e.g., Go past MIT until you hit Harvard. Take a right and go past Lesley. Keep going until you get to Tufts (actual directions).
Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.
You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
You laughed at the kids down south who never got snow days.
You feel that the rest of the world needs to drive more like you.
You know The Beanpot is a hockey tournament, not a serving container.
You have never been to Cheers.
You can recognize a girl from Revere simply by her hair.
You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs.
You know that there is a bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just a compass direction.
Somebody calls UMass "ZooMass" and you take it as a compliment.
The words "WICKED" and "GOOD" go together.
You know how to make a frappe.
You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's.
You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one.
You know what "Southie" is. And how it is different from the South End.
You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a big thank you.
St. Patrick's Day is your favorite holiday.
You never go to "Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".
You cried when Boston Garden was torn down.
You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school.
You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world.
You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day. (But who'd want to?)
You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester firefighters.
If you live in Charlton City, most likely 99% of your family does as well.
You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
You know that PTown isn't the name of a new rap group.
You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese.
And, the final and most important way to know that you are from Massachusetts...
You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.
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JOKES
Feb 15, 2008 8:49:39 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 15, 2008 8:49:39 GMT -4
Not Very Sportsmanlike
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " Shut up and fish!".[/color][/b]
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JOKES
Feb 15, 2008 18:32:17 GMT -4
Post by sandgypsy2 on Feb 15, 2008 18:32:17 GMT -4
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
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JOKES
Feb 15, 2008 18:38:31 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 15, 2008 18:38:31 GMT -4
Keep 'em coming!
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JOKES
Feb 15, 2008 22:33:44 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 15, 2008 22:33:44 GMT -4
I'm laughing! Thanks Jeeptrick! ;D
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JOKES
Feb 17, 2008 21:13:35 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 17, 2008 21:13:35 GMT -4
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
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JOKES
Feb 18, 2008 6:56:01 GMT -4
Post by sandgypsy2 on Feb 18, 2008 6:56:01 GMT -4
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many ey es. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
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Feb 20, 2008 18:01:18 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 20, 2008 18:01:18 GMT -4
Thanks! ;D
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Feb 28, 2008 9:25:02 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Feb 28, 2008 9:25:02 GMT -4
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!! Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: January 17, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
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JOKES
Feb 29, 2008 19:27:07 GMT -4
Post by karl482 on Feb 29, 2008 19:27:07 GMT -4
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JOKES
Mar 7, 2008 21:40:04 GMT -4
Post by karl482 on Mar 7, 2008 21:40:04 GMT -4
For all our Catholic, Irish, and other friends....... An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, tisn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
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JOKES
Apr 10, 2008 17:02:47 GMT -4
Post by nance1597 on Apr 10, 2008 17:02:47 GMT -4
I love it!
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JOKES
Apr 26, 2008 19:31:10 GMT -4
Post by karl482 on Apr 26, 2008 19:31:10 GMT -4
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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JOKES
Apr 30, 2008 19:58:19 GMT -4
Post by jeepgirl on Apr 30, 2008 19:58:19 GMT -4
Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a pregnant dog! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
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JOKES
Apr 30, 2008 20:47:27 GMT -4
Post by mbba1540 on Apr 30, 2008 20:47:27 GMT -4
I'm going camping this weekend and I am going to bring my Rod and Reel. Can I go? ;D
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